What 13 Years of Recovery Taught Me About Surrender
The moment I realized I couldn’t fix them was the moment I found the path to heal myself
It was Monday, June 18th, 2012, in Palm Desert. I was pacing back and forth in a hotel room, wondering if I should attend tonight’s 12-step meeting. It would be my first, so I did not know what to expect and if I belonged in this space. I felt anxious, unsure, and scared. I grew up with a lot of addictive personalities around me, and it finally got to the point where it completely consumed my life. While still in denial, I knew deep down inside it existed and I could no longer ignore it. I also could not ignore the fact that things around me were getting worse. After spending enough time ruminating on the matter, I decided to stop overthinking, get in my car, and just go.
I drove to the location, parked, and waited inside my car for at least a few minutes before going in- I did not want to be the first one there. I entered the building and walked into the door, where I walked into a small space with at least 15 people crammed in. Little did I know, I was far from early! I still questioned staying, but my instinct told me not to leave. So I sat and listened for an hour. Truthfully, I don’t remember much from this meeting. I was having an out-of-body experience for most of the hour, and it was difficult to stay present. There was new information, fresh faces, and jaw dropping stories.
What stuck out to me was a story a member shared about her deceased sister, in which she described how addicted she was to alcohol despite having emphysema, relying on an oxygen tank, and having to be air-lifted to the hospital. It did not matter how much she suffered; she still craved an alcoholic beverage and found every way to get her hands on one. The most fascinating part of this share was that the member did not recount this information with strong emotions of despair or gloom. She was very matter-of-fact about it and even had a smile on her face. The smile was not forced or patronizing. She talked about it in a way that evoked the sense that this was her sister’s struggle, and it was ultimately how she chose to live out the rest of her life. Though she cared about and loved her sister, it seemed there was nothing she could do about her sister’s addiction. I remember feeling drawn to this member. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to talk with such conviction and confidence. Her presence was powerful, and it was also inspiring. If only I could speak about the addict in my life in the same way without becoming so triggered and emotional about the situation.
Up until this point, the only 12-step recovery room I was familiar with was Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, I once heard in passing that a family member was going to her own 12-step group while her spouse was in rehab, but it did not make sense to me why she had to go to her own. Well, it turned out there were numerous 12-step recovery programs that did not include alcohol or the idea that you had to be addicted to any kind of substance to attend. Fast forward to me sitting in the same 12-step group that my family member once did, and I heard someone say:
“If someone’s drinking or sobriety is bothering you, you are in the right place.”
That was it. That was the confirmation I needed that I was exactly where I was meant to be.
Every week, for months, I attended meetings. I explored different meetings throughout Los Angeles, but found one meeting I was particularly drawn to weekly. Some regular members were attending for decades, and you noticed their growth in the program. They were not stuck in the past, obsessing over their loved one, or acting resentful towards their situations. Instead, they had smiles on their faces, kept the focus on their lives, and went into great length about how they use the program to show up in the world, with or without the addict present. Looking back, I remember leaders sharing stories about their lives pre-12-step group. It was sad, sometimes painful, and often very relatable. They quickly described their life post-12-step group and recovery as “full” and “unrecognizable.”
I was instantly captivated by their transformations - it sounded appealing, alluring, and attainable.
Over the past 13 years, I am proud to call myself a grateful member. As time went by, I started purchasing and reading the literature daily, received support from members outside of the meetings, and chose to slowly but surely practice the principles of this program in my life. There are many insights and lessons I have learned along the way. Some stick out more than others.
These are the 5 principles I have used not only when dealing with the addict, but also being a part of the human race.
You are only responsible for yourself. This idea can be a challenge because we form attachments and deep connections to others. However, other people’s choices and behaviors are not your responsibility. If they choose to use and destroy their lives, it is not your responsibility to stop them. It is not your responsibility to make sure they make their rent, go to their job, or show up for their life. That is on them. In fact, they have to be able to face the consequences of their own actions and they will not be able to do that if you are taking responsibility for them. When it comes down to it, the only person you are responsible for is yourself.
Alcoholism is a family disease. It took me years to understand this concept. Alcoholism is a family disease because it affects the whole family. Whether you are aware of it or not, your behaviors, your perceptions, and even your sense of identity can become shaped by the chaos surrounding the addiction. It takes a toll on family members and changes the way they interact with each other. Some family members will withdraw while others try to fix or control the situation, becoming consumed by it. Alcoholism puts an immense amount of stress on the family which puts a strain on the relationships, without them being aware of it. It usually becomes the elephant in the room. Recognizing how deeply this disease impacts the whole family is essential. It’s not just the key to serenity- for many, it’s the first step toward reclaiming your sanity and your self.
It’s not just alcohol. For the purpose of this article, I have used the word “alcohol” or “alcoholism” for consistency and because most people use this word when they think of 12 step-programs. However, you can be easily bothered by other people’s cigarette smoking, overeating, or unhealthy relationship. It does not matter what the substance or circumstance is - you can still mimic the same behaviors and actions of someone who’s completely engulfed in someone else’s addiction. That could look like obsessing over the situation, abandoning your own health, and not enjoying your life.
Do not even try to control people, places, and things. When you try to control outcomes, it can become problematic. We can fall into the trap that we have an immense amount of power over other people and their choices. “Maybe if I read this story to them about someone else’s journey with sobriety, they will stop drinking.” Or “Maybe if I educate them on all the harmful things that could happen to them, they won’t use as much.” I wish it worked that way, but in my experience, it never has. Addicts believe they have to use in order to numb their pain. Perhaps they have tried to stop but came back to it because life did not feel safe without it. Again, nobody can control what other people try to do with their lives. I have tried to control situations over and over again and it has caused me an immense amount of pain which involved exhaustion, anger, and bitterness. Meanwhile, my loved one is doing great but I am the one who is suffering the most because I refuse to accept the reality of the situation.
You can be happy, joyous, and free whether the addict is using or not.
This was something I heard for years but it did not compute for many more years. I remember when it clicked. Aha! I can be ok whether or not my loved one is using. I can still have a good day. I can still be happy in my career, on my vacations, and in my relationship. My happiness is not dependent on whether or not the alcoholic is using and/or causing problems. If that were the case, my whole life would be based around someone else’s moods and what kind of a life is that? This concept leaked into other areas in my life. For example, I can choose to be happy if my spouse is having an off day. I can be happy if the weather is not what I thought it was going to be.
This was huge for me because I grew up in a family where “worry” was a default emotion. Meaning, if someone else was not ok, then others cannot be ok too. I indirectly learned that worry meant I cared about others, even if it had nothing to do with me. Surely, I could not have a good day if someone else was going through a break-up. Their break-up became my break-up, without even knowing it. This thinking caused a lot of confusion and it made sense why it took me so long to understand that I can be happy, joyous, and free whether the addict is still using or not. Overall, I learned that I can have a good day, regardless of other people’s life circumstances.
While going to a 12-step recovery program may not be for everyone, I know there are many ways to find support, help, and guidance. There are many ways to learn, grow, and do work on yourself if that is something that interests you. While I have benefited from this program, I do not want to deny the fact that watching someone else engage in self-destructive behavior is incredibly painful. It’s hard to witness when someone you care about seems unable- or unwilling- to fully be present in their own life.
There is also a lot of shame that can come with loving or being close to someone battling an addiction. The truth is that none of us truly have it figured it out. I am not addicted to substances, but I have learned over the years I can be addicted to trying to save, rescue, or control another human being. It took me years to understand that every person is on their own journey and it is not my business to interfere with it. It does not matter if that person is a parent, a sibling, or a spouse; it is still their own journey. The way to handle an impossible situation is to talk to other people who are going through it. Ask questions, be open, and do not lose hope.
Ultimately, you may not be able to cure the other person’s addiction, but you can care for yourself in a way that helps you feel less consumed and triggered by their ongoing behavior.
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My dearest Lily- I’m the mother of an addict. I will agree that I became addicted to saving my addicted son. Read my posts. I try to be as honest as possible with my words. Let me know your thoughts on my writing if you so feel inclined to share your thoughts
Maria -