Understanding Your Problem Isn't Enough to Guarantee Change -- here's the missing piece
Why insight alone won’t change your life - and what actually does
Self-awareness is crucial for changing behavioral patterns and healing old wounds. It is the first step when achieving goals, taking bold action, and ultimately transforming one's life. Oftentimes, self-awareness is seen as the ultimate goal in healing and personal growth. It can be sold as the ticket to transformation, but while there is great value, is it enough?
In my practice, I have witnessed many intelligent and insightful individuals who are extremely self-aware. They understand the dynamics in their relationships, how their minds work, and the origins of their maladaptive behavioral patterns. However, when it comes to making actual changes, many find themselves stuck—full of insight, but paralyzed by frustration and inaction.
Here are two common internal dialogues that illustrate this disconnect:
1. You struggle to connect to your emotions and shut down when conflict arises in your partnership. You might articulate this pattern of shutting down by saying:
“I know where this comes from. My parents used to scream at each other or at me, and I learned that staying quiet kept me safe. But now, even when my partner just raises their voice a little or gets upset about something totally unrelated, I shut down completely. I dissociate, go numb, and can’t speak. I know my partner isn’t trying to hurt me, but my body doesn’t get that. I can’t stop reacting this way.”
OR
You talk about the pattern of people pleasing and why you say “yes” when you want to say “no.” You might describe the habit of people pleasing by stating:
“I know where this comes from. Growing up, I had to be the ‘good’ one in the family—the one who didn’t cause problems. If I disagreed or said no, I’d either get guilt-tripped or punished. So I learned to just keep the peace. But now, even when I want to set boundaries—with friends, at work, even with my partner—I feel this wave of anxiety. My mouth says yes before I can stop it. I know it’s not healthy, but I can’t seem to break the pattern.”
These internal narratives reflect a common struggle: despite deep awareness of the “why,” many people find themselves stuck in the “how.”
The first scenario reflects a powerful split between cognitive awareness and embodied trauma response, while the second scenario highlights the internal conflict between insight and nervous system conditioning and how people pleasing becomes an automatic, protective behavior. Although both scenarios show a high level of self-awareness, it is clear there has been a struggle to fully integrate awareness. Instead, both are stuck in a cycle of knowing, but not changing.
So, how do we move from knowing to changing?
Why Awareness Does Not Automatically Lead to Change
It’s a common misconception that once we know, we should be able to change. But cognitive understanding and behavioral transformation live in different realms—one in the mind, the other in the body. When we cognitively understand something, we know the origin behind the story, the awareness of patterns, and even the logic of why we feel or behave a certain way. Essentially, we know it all and all too well! In order to move from awareness to action, there must be a deeper shift that occurs within the body with something called embodied change. Embodied change means that the pain stored in the body early on, which caused and perpetuated the unhealthy patterns, is relieved and no longer trapped in the body. When there is an embodied change, your nervous system begins to feel safe enough to respond to change differently. Your body no longer reacts to danger that isn’t there. Why? Because insight lives in the mind, but trauma and healing live in the body. So what helps move us from trauma to transformation? One key factor is nervous system regulation.
The Missing Ingredients for Real Healing
While regulating the nervous system may be the latest phrase trending in the wellness community, there is great value to be understood. Nervous system regulation is paramount in the process of changing patterns and healing. When our nervous system is dysregulated, it causes an immense amount of anxiety, distress, and tension within our minds and bodies. This can affect our judgment, cause impulsivity, and create conflict with others. In order to use critical thinking and make different choices, we have to be grounded. We have to come from a place that is centered and clear. Yes, sometimes we all make hasty decisions, but overall, we have to be intact, which means our minds and bodies are connected.
Ways to regulate your nervous system
The fastest and easiest way to regulate your nervous system is to take a few deep breaths because it sends oxygen to the brain. When you engage in this practice, notice the air filling your lungs and exhaling out of your mouth (or nose), at your own pace. If it feels comfortable, do it a few more times. Notice where your feet are in this moment. Notice the surface below your feet and what it feels like. When we are dysregulated, we may recount a story in the past or rehearse a future conflict that will likely never happen. We truly are not where our feet are, and the goal is to be connected to where our feet are in the present moment. This is not an easy task because we live in a world of constant overstimulation and distraction, but remember every time you recognize you are not in the here and now and bring your awareness to the present moment. This is the magic moment because this is when neural pathways have an opportunity to develop. In most cases, it takes repeated effort and patience to bring yourself back to the present—this is part of the process.
wrote such an honest and informative Substack article on the struggles and approaches to regulating your nervous system in the modern age:Your nervous system is designed for a world that doesn't exist.
There are deeper modalities that tap into trauma that require a licensed therapist or practitioner. A few examples include: EMDR, brain spotting, and somatic therapy. While all of these approaches are different, they offer the same type of support-addressing the disconnection between the mind and body and relieving the pain and unprocessed memories in the body.
did an excellent job explaining EMDR in his recent Substack article:Trauma Has a New Enemy. It's Called EMDR.
Feeling Emotions versus Labeling Emotions
It is extremely common to intellectualize our emotions. We know how we feel and can sometimes effortlessly admit it. We live in a culture quick to label emotions—to analyze, name, and categorize what we’re feeling. Naming is powerful, but feeling is what releases. We often spend more time moving away from the feeling of the emotion than being present with it. We may fear that it will consume us, and it may never end. The irony is that we use more energy resisting this experience than actually feeling the emotion that will free us. This is not easy, and it requires a tremendous amount of courage and patience. If you lead with an open heart, you may find that it is attainable or even doable.
Feeling emotions leads to a deeper understanding of your internal world, which promotes vulnerability and intimacy. This process will allow you to access and address your emotions when you are met with a situation in which you can make a different choice than you have before. You can stop and ask what is coming up for you in the moment, lean into the feeling, and pause (if possible).
A sign that you are feeling an emotion is if you begin to cry for the first time about something you’ve only ever talked about. This is what we call “a breakthrough” in therapy. I highly recommend beginning this process with a trusted professional, partner, or close friend who can be present in a non-judgmental and compassionate way.
Transforming Shame into Compassion
It is important to address that there can be a tremendous amount of shame that individuals carry regarding not changing, despite knowing better. This type of shame can translate into feeling worthless, not smart enough, or good enough to prevent the situation from continuously happening. It can feel like a losing battle—one where you're constantly at odds with yourself and ultimately caught in a shame spiral. But while shame is powerful and often confusing, I invite you to view it through the lens of compassion instead. Having self-compassion for not being able to change a behavior means choosing to meet yourself where you are—acknowledging your struggle without judgment and offering yourself understanding instead of criticism. You understand yourself instead of shunning yourself. You accept your limitations and, on a grand scale, you accept who you are. Meeting yourself with compassion doesn’t mean giving up on change—it means creating the safety that change requires.
Getting Honest With Myself
Personally, I have been guilty of this myself in my own life. It can be challenging when I have studied, trained, and had a lot of experience working closely with people and learning human behavior. I’m able to connect the dots to my reactions and motives most of the time. I can easily intellectualize my feelings and ultimately stay stuck in the knowing.
In the past few months, I have immersed myself in Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work- his meditations, books, and interviews - which have become a tremendous source of support when I needed it the most. When Dispenza talks about self-awareness, he emphasizes how “it’s not enough to know.” He describes witnessing people transform only when they were truly ready, when their suffering and pain outweighed their fear of starting something new or different. This is true for many of us - we may not change until we have to. Some call this “a rock bottom” or a “wake-up call.” This resonates with many of us: we often don’t change until we must. It looks different for everyone, but the common thread is a refusal to continue suffering in the same cycle.
An Invitation to Begin
Self-awareness is vital for growth and healing. While it is not the final step, it is the first one. It is more than necessary- it is essential to begin a different path. Healing is non-linear, and if you are “stuck” in unhealthy behavioral patterns, it does not mean you are broken. Without awareness, there are no opportunities for new relationships, career shifts, or deeper connections with loved ones.
Consider this an invitation to reflect: Where might you be relying on insight alone, and where could you begin to connect, feel, and embody something new?
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Thanks for the shoutout! I 100% agree with you. Self-awareness, while a monumnetal step, is still only the first step!
Amazing article 👏👏 I also follow the work of Dr. Joe…he’s so inspiring 😊